THE MEXICO CITY NEWS HOROSCOPES FOR JUNE 1st

Aries:
You'll Find An Old Friend You Haven't Seen In A While. Avoid Him. Pretend You're Blind. He's More Successful Than You.

Taurus:
Avoid Rain. You Look Like Shit With Your Hair All Wet.

Gemini:
Avoid Daylight. You Look Like Shit Today.

Cancer:
Try To Sing A Happy Song. But Please Do It In The Shower Where No One Can Hear You.

Leo:
Those Empty Desks Near Your Office Are Robots In Disguise. Destroy Them. Then Fight Boss.

Virgo:
If You're A Student, Quit School And Become A Bull-Fighter. If You're A Bull-Fighter, We Don't Like Your Pants.

Libra:
Create A Beautiful Garden Inside Your House. Smell The Flowers And Admit Once And For All You're Gay.

Scorpio:
You'll Create A Musical Masterpiece That Will Transform The World. Then You'll Lose The Tape And Paulina Rubio Will Use It.

Sagittarius:
No, You Can't Have Dessert. Go Exercising Or At Least Change Your Fucking Wardrobe.

Capricorn:
Enrique Peña Nieto Loves You. Not The Governor, But A Cab Driver From Azcapotzalco.

Aquarius:
You'll Get A Glass Of Water That Tastes Like Shit. Pretend You Love It. When She Stops Laughing, Your Enemy Will Respect You.

Pisces:
You're Talented, Beautiful And Sexy. Well, Not Really. Just Pretend You Are And People Will Hate You. You'll Think It's Envy.